Jokes
Category: Biologist jokesQ: what's a biologists definition of a
graph
A: an animal with a long neckmodify jokevote: 1.07
Category: Biologist jokesDo molecular biologists
wear designer
genes?modify jokevote: 7.47
Category: Biologist jokesA couple of biologists had twins.
One
they called John and the other control.modify jokevote: 2.11
Category: Biologist jokesQ: How so you call a
member of the
finacial staff of the faculty of Biology?
A: A Buy-ologist.modify jokevote: 4.35
Category: Biologist jokes"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a
pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
The barman says "That'll be 80p
[ATP]!"modify jokevote: 9.88
Category: Biologist jokesAn
old mountain man in Arkansas was sick
and bedridden. He had not been
outdoors for a few weeks and had a
sharp craving for a meal of wild
squirrel. He summoned his
half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to
go squirrel hunting and
bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told
his son to be very
careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he
would need its
brains later to "tan" the squirrel's pelt. (Tanning a
skin using the
animal's brains is a common practice in certain areas,
it
generally takes about one brain to tan one skin).
The idiot son spent
most of the day searching the woods for tree
squirrels, but was not
having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree,
he spotted a
squirrel's head sticking out from a hole. He remembered
his Pa's
admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have
another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains.
r
His sick Pa was upset, "I can't tan that skin without no brains!"
he
said, "Now what am I a gonna do?" Thinking quickly, he
remembered
that up on the river there were 3 fisheries biologists doing some
field
work.
"Well, we're only tanning one squirrel skin,
walk up the river and
shoot one of them dang fish biologists and
I'll use his brains to tan
the skin," he told the son. The son did as
he was told and soon returned
with the prize. As it turned out, the
brain wasn't large enough and
the boy was upset as he would have
to make another trip to harvest the
other two biologist's
brains.
"Look on the bright side, boy", the old man told him, "Two more
ought to be just enough. We'd have been in real trouble if they was
BOTANISTS!"modify jokevote: 1.70
Category: Biologist jokesA biologist had been
working on a remote
research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his
return to the
States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health
had
deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in
strange
jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a
series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor
called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's
wife, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband will
surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be
pleasant,
and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious
meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for
him. Don't burden him
with chores, and generally do anything he asks.
Don't discuss your
problems with him, as it will only make
his stress worse. And most
importantly, make love with your
husband several times a week and satisfy his
every whim. " If you can do
this for the next 10 months or so, I think
your husband will regain
his health completely. Otherwise.......well...
He'll probably
die"
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the
doctor
say?"
she replied. "Honey.....he says you're probably
going to die."modify jokevote: 9.52
Category: Biologist jokesA
group of goose biologists were meeting
to brainstorm about the migration
tactics of Canada geese. They
were particularly interested in applying
for a $100,000 Federal grant
to investigate the "V" formation of goose
flight. It had been
observed that one side of the "V" is always
longer than the other side.
This group would put together a research
proposal to apply for the
$100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this
happens.
To
start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands
up and says in typical consultant fashion, "I say we ask for $200,000,
and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our
geologists record and map the ground topography and then our staff
meteorologists can predict potential updraft currents. Our internal
CAD
department can then produce 3-d drawings of the predicted wing
tip vortices.
Then, after several years of study, our in-house
publications department
could produce a nice thick report full of
charts and graphs."
The Senior Research Biologist, a professor
at the local university,
cleared his throat and responded, "No, no!,
That's not it at all. We
only need $150,000. We can train a group
of domesticated geese to fly in
formations of equal length and then
compare their relative fitness to
wild geese. We can then publish
the results in the Journal of Wildlife
Management.
About
then, the hardworking field biologist stands up and begins
walking for
the door. "Where are you going?" the group asks. "I'm
leaving" he
replies, "I've heard enough. No one has to give me $100,000 to
find out that the reason one side of the "V" is longer is simply
because there are more damn geese on that side!"modify jokevote: 1.99
Category: Biologist jokesA biologist from the North Pole was showing
a new
recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The
new
recruit said, "I know how the transmitters work, but I have one
question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?" "I
bet you use
high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?"
"Oh
no!" the experienced biologist replied, "we use an ancient
Eskimo
technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the
ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole.
Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a
polar
bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole
!!!"modify jokevote: 0.14
Category: Biologist jokesThere were these two Engineers who decided
they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As
it
happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they
were
about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time
dragging the
animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist
happened upon them.
He said, "You know, the hair follicles on a moose
have a grain to them
that causes the hair to lie toward the back.
The way you are dragging
that
moose, it increases your coefficient
of friction by a huge margin. If
you
grab it by the antlers and
pull, you will find the work required to be
quite
minimal."
The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the
antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said, "I can't believe how
easy
it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran
across that
Biologist."
"Yeah.", said the other. "But we'
re getting further and further
away from our truck."modify jokevote: 6.22